I love me some quotes. I’d even go so far as to say that I hoard quotes like a fat kid hoards Twinkies. I love being inspired and I love being challenged.
But, there are days.
Days where I wake up and the first thought I have is, “FML.” I drag my sorry butt to the bathroom to get ready and I curse my alarm for being the dick it is. Perhaps these are the days where I’m supposed to really love quotes, and lean on them in an effort to turn my attitude around? Eh, no thanks.
Instead, I look at positive quotes and think to myself, “Oh yeah? Well, here’s a dose of real life, jerk.”
- Be yourself. No one else is qualified.
Pretty sure that’s a lie. According to my recent job search, there are tons more people qualified.
- Laughter is a powerful way to tap positive emotions. – Norman Cousins
Laughter? Really? I always thought punching someone in the throat when they have pissed you off was the way to tap positive emotions. Guess I’ve had that wrong.
- Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love. A gift to that person. A beautiful thing. – Mother Teresa
What if you’re smiling at someone while you while you run them over with a car? Is that really considered love?
- There is no wealth but life. – John Ruskin
I’m pretty sure this quote is mostly meant for those people who make more money than they know what to do with, and didn’t grow up on government cheese and Tang.
- …Beauty is what gives you joy. – Hugh Nibley
What if watching people fall on the ice is what gives me joy? I mean, I guess I can see the beauty in that.
- Always be on the lookout for the presence of wonder. – E.B. White
As I get older and wiser, I’m always experiencing wonder. I wonder why my 2 year old won’t let me use the restroom alone. I wonder why it seems like I woke up fat, so why shouldn’t I be able to wake up skinny? I wonder why I went grey in my 20’s. I wonder how many pounds I’m going to gain by simply looking at that slice of pizza.
- Don’t be afraid to be amazing. – Andy Offutt Irwin
Oh, I’m not afraid to be amazing. Amazing is easy. It’s trying not to be awkward that is hard.
- Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are. – Chinese Proverb
If this is the case, I am royally screwed. Tension is what gives me my winning personality!
I think I’m the only person that needs to read a book or take a class to learn how to relax.
- Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. – Victor Borge
Just regular old laughter? How about awkward laughter due to inappropriate humor? That has always seemed to work for me.
- Success is following the patters of life one enjoys most. – Al Capp
I’m pretty sure spending my days on the sofa eating popcorn and watching TNT every day is not the recipe for success. Neither is living with your mom for all but five years of your life, and not having a decent job in over 30 years. Just ask my uncle.
- Balance is beautiful. – Miyoko Ohno
I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume she doesn’t mean a Slurpee in each hand. Or a rum and Coke. Ooh, maybe she means a Slurpee in one hand a rum and Coke in the other! That is the type of balance I can get behind.
- Change before you have to. – Jack Welch
Like, my underwear? My winning personality? Where are we going here, Jack?
- May you live all the days of your life. – Jonathan Swift
If someone said this to me, my first question would be to ask if they are making a threat.
- Always make new mistakes! – Esther Dyson
Finally, a quote I can get behind! Even on my worst days, I can do this without trying. Remind me to tell you the story about the time I accidentally told my step-mom her people breed like rats instead of like rabbits. That was an “awesome” moment.
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